“Father God unlock every door of my heart. I give you permission to come and cleanse every room of my heart. For every day I have been alive, please sprinkle healing into any trauma. I ask you to cleanse every desire in me that is not of You. I ask that every addiction and distraction would bow to the name of Jesus. I pray that I would no longer be hindered by past traumas and that I would desire more of your presence. Thank you for coming in and cleansing and washing me. Thank you that You made all things new in my life, in Jesus’ name, Amen.” Mary Stewart Hasz, from The Healing Journey.

I’ve prayed this prayer for months and experienced healing and peace. With healing comes new territory and roads never traveled before. Winding roads with uncertainty around every bend. Looking ahead expectantly we feel emotions rarely felt before. They are not unknown just different from the previous pathways taken. 

I stood looking out at our beloved place in the rolling hills of Pennsylvania. Why was I feeling levels of anxiety and fear I had not felt in a while? I questioned the extent of my perceived healing to date. 

In reading Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You last evening, I came across these words. “It is helpful for maturing people to understand that when the beginning of each new maturity stage approaches, anxiety increases substantially.” They went on to explain, “But knowing that anxiety is a normal part of passing between maturity stages allows a whole new energy that actually propels the transition process.”

Trauma stops our growth. Trauma to our physical body causing the lack of growth to an injured limb is evident by our external physique but what happens when our emotional maturity is halted by trauma? There are two ways we can be traumatized. The first is when bad things happen to us i.e. incest or physical abuse. The second trauma is not as readily recognized by individuals, but we are beginning to see the long-term lasting damage that it creates. This trauma occurs when we do not receive the good things necessary for our emotional growth. I personally have endured both types of traumas.

It had been a few months since we had visited our home in Pennsylvania. Taking a deep breath, I stared at an “old haunt”. I loved my mom’s antique secretary she had given me years before her death but each time I walked by it, I shuddered. Home to the hand gun I had contemplated taking my life with back in 2011 I saw more than a beautiful piece of furniture. In past visits I’d look up and visualize where that gun sat for many years, intended to protect our family from intruders, and reflect on how my life nearly ended that day.

One dark wintery day, I just wanted to end it all. After rupturing two discs in my neck I was unable to return to work. I endured weeks of traction and physical therapy. Due to excruciating pain I was unable to sleep. My medical diagnoses explained the physical pain I was feeling.

There was another agony I just wanted to silence. It was the emotional pain I had kept locked deep inside for many years. I reached up pulling down the shiny revolver fully loaded. As I put my finger on the trigger, I began to think about our two sons. Kyle had returned from Afghanistan and was out west in flight training. Karson was 15 and a great student well bonded to his father. They would be OK. 

Another voice spoke, “Don’t give up, I will heal you.” I fell to my knees in surrender knowing this was not the end of God’s story. Trembling I returned the pistol. It would be years before I’d tell my husband about this day.

Today while I gaze at the secretary I reflect on God’s amazing healing in my life. I rejoice because what Satan sought to steal God is restoring.  He is LIFE itself.  As I look up, I thank God for giving me peace, joy and strength in my journey of healing. I reach up and run my hand where the gun once laid. I’m thankful God heals even the pain of the memory. I am alive in Him.

Jesus says, Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

What do you need to give to Jesus today? Do you have a story about God’s healing power?